I like to demean people because I feel demeaned.
During the average day, I call people stupid, I tell people they should shut up. I yell at financial analysts on CNBC; telling them they don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. In shul, I make fun of the old guy who holds out his hands in front of himself like he’s beseeching G-d. I say to my friend Baruch, “The guy is tripping.” To Arabs, I say, “Hey, why don’t you blow yourself up today?” To my assistant Ariel who’s typing this now, I completely denigrate her complements on my writing. I say, “What the fuck do you know?” If she makes a suggestion for a title of a blog, I 9 out of 10 times say to her, “You’re a hack.” I tell my helper Kumara, if he doesn’t understand something on the news, “Well, you’re black, you don’t have to know about this.”
Of course most of the time when I say this stuff, I say it as a joke and it’s funny. And usually I do it to people who I really really like and feel comfortable with. But in my heart, I feel like I’m exorcising my demons of hate. It’s like when someone got sick and the doctors would bleed them to let out the disease. That’s the way it feels when I put someone down.
It’s because my whole life, I feel completely demeaned by the whole fucking world. Every time I go out and I’m seen in public, or I go into a store, or I order a burger, or go on a bus, I feel like a freak and everyone’s looking at me like I’m a freak. Of course when I open up my mouth and speak in my palsy speech, it’s ten times worse. It always feels like I don’t even sound human. It feels like I’m one big, bad mistake and I’m living on the wrong planet. I should be living on some kind of freak moon. I have no idea whether people really think of me like this, or whether it’s all in my own fucked up mind. But in the same way, it doesn’t matter. It’s my reality.
Not getting laid, not being tongue kissed, and not going out with anyone for over two years doesn’t exactly sooth my anger beast either. Whiskey and coke would also help, but I haven’t done that shit for 30 years.
As a result of this misguided behavior, I pay a big price because I end up hurting the people who are dear and close to me. I think also I turn people off who may want to become closer to me. I know for sure that I destroyed a few possible relationships with wonderful women because of my foul mouth. Boohoo me.
Having my new beautiful baby and having a close relationship with her two mommies has softened me a little bit. I am so scared of saying anything wrong to them and possibly damaging my relationship with them and the baby, so I really am quite careful of what I say (they would both laugh hysterically at this). Maybe that’s part of the problem and part of why I can get away with the awful shit that I say because I don’t have a job, I don’t have a wife, and I’m not a respected member of the community. So I don’t have much to lose. I can just shoot off at the mouth with whatever I want to say. Also, people let me get away with it because they feel sorry for me, or they think it’s cute. I fully take advantage of that.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Morris, you’re a beautiful person. You’re funny, you’re smart, and you have a good heart. We love your humor. You should love yourself. You should love your palsy. You should give yourself a big kiss in the mirror right on your palsy lips. Lots of people love you.” But to be honest, I really don’t want to love myself. When I ask myself if I really want to change, I immediately want to say to the whole fucking world, “Fuck me, fuck you, and fuck the entire universe.” Sorry.