You have no idea what I’m talking about. You think, “Maurice, what the fuck do ripped jeans have to do with the stock market being at an all time high?” Well let Maurice tell you. Because these are the two things Maurice pays the most attention to in his life: women and the stock market. So since Maurice is always looking at women’s legs, he has noticed that the ripped jean trend is getting really out of hand. The holes are almost bigger than the material. He has seen holes so big that a foot of thigh is exposed. Maurice hears that people are paying $300-$400 for these ripped schmattas. Maurice also watches the stock market at home all day and all night. He sees the big, fat stock market bubble. He sees the DOW at 21,000. He sees that Tessler is worth more than Ford. GM, and Chrysler combined. He sees the valuation of Apple at 800 billion dollars.

Now what does Maurice do when he’s not looking at women and not looking at the stock market? He’s sitting on the toilet making kaki. And what does Maurice do while he sits on the toilet? He makes connections between the two things that he does all the time and gets a lot of genius insights. One day, he had a big idea. He saw the connection between ripped $400 jeans and crazy, sky high stock prices. The only way that he can explain how women could be proud to wear ripped jeans is if they are the opposite of poor. The ripped jeans are screaming, “Look at me you poor motherfuckers! I can wear these disgusting, torn apart jeans and I don’t give a shit what I look like. Not only do I not give a shit, I’m proud that I can afford them! I don’t have to wear a hole-free pair of pants with a nice crease. I can look like a poor schmuck because I’m rich and everyone will love me even if I look like a piece of shit.” to Maurice, ripped jeans are a contrary indicator. People have so much money that they don’t know what to do with it anymore.

Think about the Depression. Would anyone during those times freely wear a pair of ripped pants? I think that some people would have rather starved to death just so they could afford to buy a new pair. Even in my own lifetime, I remember in the 70’s if I got a hole in my Levi’s, I would either give them away, or cut them and make shorts. I had my Calvin Klein’s. They were $50. I got so upset when I fell and tore a hole in the knee. But it’s not like my family was poor. We were very middle class. But we were not rich. The top baseball player at the time, Mickey Mantle, only earned $100,000 a year and the Dow was at 700. The Depression was still looming large in people’s minds. You did not want to be seen in ripped jeans.

Now to Maurice, all of this is a big warning sign. It means things are at their extreme. How much bigger can the holes get? How much higher can the stock market go? Yes of course the holes could get even bigger and the stock market could go even higher, but Maurice thinks that the clock is ticking. You should sell all your stocks this minute and then immediately place your $400 ripped jeans on eBay. Then go out and buy yourself and pair of nice grey, flannel slacks. This way you’ll be ready for the economic winter.