An Old Cripple’s Gratitude List

It was my birthday yesterday and I suddenly felt a surge of gratitude rising up from my left kishke. Of course today, I don’t feel it at all. But I still want to try to summon it up because I want to have it on paper for all the times that I don’t feel any gratitude for anything. Also, this is for people who think that I’m completely cynical and that I have a jaundiced view on life. Okay, so here’s my cripple gratitude list.

I am grateful that at 59 and being a decrepit cripple that I could have a new family and an incredible baby and the two best mommies in the world.

I am grateful that I still have all my marbles and I’m not locked up somewhere.

I am grateful that I found Celexa 15 years ago that saved me from my own mind, so I don’t feel like bashing in my head every five minutes (even though it reduced my libido by 65%).

I am grateful for my addiction to the stock market, even if it cost me a million dollars.

I am grateful to be in the holy land; to be with my people and every day to get to see how Hitler completely failed.

I am grateful that my sister made aliyah 34 years ago and brought my parents over, so that I would wind up here too and we would all be together.

I am grateful that I’m not in a 40 year old nightmare of a marriage.

I am grateful to be a cripple, so I stand out in any crowd and get a lot of attention.

I am grateful that I am a Jew and not a goy, thereby giving a big middle finger to the other seven billion people in the world.

I am grateful to live to see YouPorn; thousands and thousands of porno movies for free without having to masturbate in a skanky movie theater with a hundred other perverts.

I am grateful for music: Jimmy, Neil, John, Billie, Miles, Mick, Bach, and Satie.

I am grateful that I get poems plopped into my head and that I have the ability to polish them.

I am grateful for my sense of humor and that I can make even myself laugh.

I am grateful for women. Even if I haven’t had sex in seven years, I can still look at them.

I am grateful for all my people who not only fought and died and built this land for me, but actually welcome me with open arms to live here.

I am grateful that, after 40 years of not finding an outlet for my yidishkeit, I found my Chabad shul that gives me aliyahs with a smile, even though they know I’m an apikoyres (non-believer).

I am grateful for the Shuk, where I feel the most free and alive, and where there are at least seven different vendors who I can scream “fuck you” to and who will answer back with a big smile, “Fuck you too Morris!”

I am grateful for the cucumbers here. It turns out, I didn’t know what a cucumber tasted like.

I am grateful for my ten nieces and nephews and to have gotten a chance to tell them things that no one else would tell them and to listen to them tell me things that they couldn’t tell anyone else.

I am grateful to Mark Zuckerberg. I can post my poems and stupid videos and get 20 likes in two hours. Thank you Mark.

I am grateful for my 70 shekel bidet. It helps me not only clean myself, but actually expedites matters.

I am grateful for my new micro-enemas, the tips of which are one quarter the size of the old, Fleet enemas. I am proud to say that they are a product of Israel.

I am grateful that I haven’t killed or maimed anyone with my wheelchair in any of my tremendous outbursts of anger.

I am grateful that my parents are dead and I don’t have to worry about them anymore. They can’t give me any grief about yidishkeit.

I am grateful for my catheter and pee pee bag, so I don’t have to wake-up my caretaker. I get to pee in my bed two or three times a night without getting wet.

I am eternally grateful for Snickers.